Inspiration monday

So today I was feeling a little meh, you know, when you're just not feeling it... I went to the market this morning and took a walk with the dog, and already felt better. It's amazing what just a little physical exercise can do with your mood. You don't need to be really active, just go for a walk and you will feel better. But to change my mood a little more I went online and came across some inspirational quotes and sayings. I'm surely not the only one needing  something to put a smile on my face, so read on. 

Life is beautiful

We all have days that we are just not feeling it. Sometimes it is already when you wake up that you have the feeling today is not your day. Well, I am here to tell you that today is your day, and that you are blessed beyond your imagination. These are just little reminders on how to enjoy life everyday. 

How to: moving on

Moving on, from anything, can be one of the most difficult things in life that we have to do. Whether it is from a broken relationship, a dream with no success or after receiving bad news; it will never become easy. However, we can learn how we can deal with these emotions and situations. What to do and what to avoid. 

Conquer your fears

Everyone has fears. Even the people that you admire. People that seem so confident and inspire you. Then how come you don't notice fears in some people? Because they don't let their fears control their life. 

How to stop worrying

Everyone worries from time to time. This can range from whether our family members are safe to if you forgot to pack lunch for your son or daughter. It is almost impossible to live a life without any worries. That would almost mean that you don't really care, right? But after the 'normal' worries, it can get out of hand. This can lead to anxiety or depression.

Worrying usually has to do with a certain fear. It can be a repetition of something that has happened before or the fear/feeling can be new to you. It can also be something genetic or you have seen your one of your parents worry during your childhood. You might be unaware of this, but somehow it had an impact on how you deal with fears. Having a lot of responsibilities at a young age can make you more vulnerable to become a person with worries. This topic just depends on what kind of person you are and how you were brought up. 

Finding courage

The past week my life has changed for the better. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, a turn of 180 degrees. I have been feeling down for the past three months but I am happy again. 

It was a change from night to day, from rain to sunshine, from cold to warmth. I have read those quotes over and over again, about how it is possible to change your life , and if your sad you are the one that is steering the wheel. But these inspirational words did not make sense until now. And although it seemed like such a big deal, I should have done this a long time ago. 

I decided to stop my current education, the word is out. I hadn't noticed how unhappy I was with the major I was following. How it was impossible to dream of my future because it was not going to make me happy. However, nothing else matched my interest, so I pretty much had to follow this program. Why? Because that was expected from me, and it made sense. But for once I got to make a decision in my interest, and I had no idea I could feel this way about it.

Of course it was painful to quit after this time, but rather this way than being unhappy for the rest of my life. And this was a life lesson that I learned, once more. When I was an exchange student I had to change families twice, due to the fact things weren't right and I was uncomfortable. This was a painful process because people's feelings were hurt. However, after all the pain, I learnt what it was like to experience true happiness and laughter. And I feel like this again. It still hurts to think back of everything that happened, and sometimes feeling like a disappointment, but then I think back of how unhappy I was, and what an unhealthy environment I was in. It was all for the better.

Lessons to be learnt

Life is going to be tough. Sometimes life will be painful. It is teaching us lessons that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. But the biggest storms that we will face, those count the most. They will give us back a reason to live. 

Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us

I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. For me not finding an internship or another course to continue the major I was following was the moment I got the courage to completely quit. In the end it was what I needed to be happy again. This might sound crazy to some people, but for me it was just what I needed. I am sad that I got in such a low place the past months, but I am happy that these times will pass. I came out of it as a stronger and different person than I was in July. Sometimes life will be painful and we will have to cry ourselves to sleep because of our heavy hearts and messed up minds. But we must be strong and courageous. 

If you are having a hard time, maybe you need change, but you're lacking courage. I want to say that you must not be afraid. Talk to someone about it, and pray, and change what needs to be different. You DO have control of your life. You ARE in control of your happiness. You CAN change your future for the better. I believe in you, and hope that you are brave enough to change whatever needs to be different in order for you to enjoy life. 

Whatever life gives you, even if it hurts, just be strong, and put on your game face. Strong walls shake, but never collapse.

Healthy living #2 - mental health

One of my most read posts is about healthy living, which can be found  here. This was mostly about eating the right foods and working out to stay healthy (and happy). However, those two things will not lead to the ultimate health that you want. Another big aspect, which might be even more important than physical health is your mental health. Diseases that have to do with your mind can impair your life in big ways and many people are not aware of this. You might be having a hard time, or someone at work is affected by depression. The big difference between most physical and mental disabilities is the visibility of them. Your mental health is often not seen from the outside; family or friends may not know you are suffering. Sometime you are not even aware of your own state of mind. It can be years before you are diagnosed with bipolar or anxiety. When we don't feel well we often don't think that this has to do with our own mental health. However, sometimes we have to look beyond the usual headache.

Get to know me!

I read a lot of blogs and enjoy the more personal side of it. Finding things out that you did not expect or similartities. So I decided to do the 21 questions tag to get to know me a little bit more :). Feel free to take the TAG and do it yourself. 

Update

Later I will write about my experience so far with this detox. Something personal happenend this week which left me unable to focus on school activities or my blog. I'm sorry but will update you later. Huge hugs and blessing <3

Someone sent this to me today and thought it would be nice to share...hope that wherever you are, you have a wonderful day

Inspiration Sunday

For me Sunday is the most important day of the week. Why? Because it is 'restday'. It is a day to not feel obliged to do anything, instead we get to go to church, or just relax and have fun. I have had a rough week, and need some inspiration to move on and become the motivated and happy person I used to be. So therefore I was looking for some inspiring quotes and images. And why not share them?  Huge blessings, love and hugs <3

Goals and failure - don't give up

I have made a lot of mistakes over the years, but somehow everything turned out alright. When something doesn't happen according to your plans, something better is hiding around the corner. And just because things aren't happening as you wish, or right now, you must refuse to give up. 

One of the most important life lesson is to keep going when the road has bumps. Life is testing you, your strength, motivation and will power. It is ensuring that what you aim for is really your life purpose. The process does not go smoothly and fast, but it will be worth every step and drop of sweat. 

It doesn't matter what your goal is; searching for a job, studying to get into college, trying to loose weight, becoming a better person, turning your life around...anything and anyone needs motivation to continue. And yes, sometimes it is hard to stay focused. And yes, sometimes you want to give up. And yes, that is alright. If you fall of the wagon, or think of giving up, please just don't. Success is not blowing in your face. Getting into college will not 'just' happen. Those ten pounds will not disappear today. However, it is you who is mostly in control of reaching that goal. 

You can turn your dreams into a reality. You can have the success you long for. And finally you can tell other people; ''I told you I could do it''.

Do it for the person who said you couldn't do it. Do it for your parents who didn't believe in you. Do it for you! For all those times you wanted to quit. For all those times you thought you were a loser because you had no motivation. For the times that nobody believed in you. Turn that mental button in your head and go for it! 

If you fall down and are frustrated, that is a moment to prove yourself that you can do it. Don't let that little voice in your head tell you; 'you cannot do it, you aren't that strong, you aren't that good, you aren't that fit'. Prove everyone, including yourself, wrong. And when that moment happens, be proud of yourself. You could do it. It was a long road, but worth everything!

Have a goal in mind, believe in yourself, remove yourself from people that don't support you, and give it 110%. 

Confessions of a blogger

I, Jessica, hereby confess that:

I have eaten too much junk food the past week

That I have procrastinated on everything related to school

That I have failed to do one single workout

My eyes have become ignorant of any view but of my laptop

And that I am dying because I did everything that I was not supposed to do.


And now....

Time to work on the above list and change my attitude...if it was only that easy.


On the bright side...

2 more days until the weekend..

2 days to procrastinate a little bit more :)


                               

Healthy Living

I remember my mom taught me all about nutrition from a very young age. What we need (and don't need) and what it does to our bodies. We went to the grocery story and market together, picked out ingredients and cooked together. I strongly believe that healthy living = happy living. It is amazing how nutrition can influence our well being, our thoughts and our happiness. Does this mean that I am always eating healthy? Hell no. You know, we are only human, and we all have cravings. So they key word you are looking for is *ding ding ding*, moderation. Yes you can have that piece of chocolate, or those crisps. But, you also need to eat your fruits and veggies.

So don't eliminate your snacks, do exercise and make your own meals. Try to limit salt intake and measure your blood pressure just to be sure. You can develop a healthy lifestyle by looking at the food pyramid. What should my diet look like? What is the right composition? And avoid dieting because you are most likely to bounce back to your starting weight, if not more. (Believe me, gained 15 pounds plus an extra 10 pounds right back). 

Breakfast

- 1 or 2 whole grain sandwiches with peanut butter or cheese, or whatever you enjoy

- Blueberry soy yogurt + flaxseeds and 1 apple or banana

- Scrambled eggs with low fat cheese

Lunch

- 2 whole grain sandwiches with peanut butter 2 and tangerines (or any fruit)

- Salad, in which you can throw in anything, like rice, couscous, beets, avocado. 

Dinner

- Whole grain macaroni/spaghetti with veggies and, preferably home made, tomato sauce

- Potatoes with veggies and soy meat

- 2 whole grain wraps with veggies and soy meat

- 2 tacos, veggies, soy meat and/or low fat cheese

- Dinner salad e.g. lettuce, boiled egg, tomatoes, cucumber, croutons and bell pepper)

Many options are available as snacks, it depends the mood you are in. Sometimes you prefer sweet and sometimes more salty. Listen to what you are craving, and try yo use the healthy option available. Think of tangerines, oranges, cucumber, tomatoes, avocado, almonds, nuts, carrots, dried cranberries, yogurt, rice crackers etc. 

And I think that is it about my diet. When I am home during the weekends it is a little bit harder, as I cannot control what my parents buy. When you get your own groceries it is easier, because you are in control what goes in or what stays in the store. If you live at home you could ask your parents for a small part of their budget to get healthy options for yourself, or go shopping together and teach them about their food choices. 

Tips for grocery shopping

1. Make a list --> This will prevent you from making spontaneous purchases
2. Eat before shopping --> Having a full stomach will prevent you from buying too much food
3. Fresh food vs. canned --> Basically, every food that has a wrap or can around it is unhealthy. (no, not the lettuce)...Canned food has a lot of added salt, sugar and has a low amount of 'real' nutrients. On one hand it is cheaper, but less healthy. Besides, my mom grows all the veggies herself, and having grown up eating these foods, the differences are huge! Honestly, I cannot even eat canned food, the taste is not yummy. I would say go for fresh, than frozen, and at last canned. 
4. Don't get distracted. If there are certain aisles that you know will tempt you into buying something you shouldn't have, then don't enter. If you go to one store only, then you know your route. Spend a lot of time around veggies and fruits, and avoid the 'bad' places that might seduce you.

Diet tips

1. Treat yourself. Don't eliminate sweets or snacks, keep it in moderation. You should enjoy life, not punish yourself. 
2. Don't add salt to your dish. We don't realize it, but almost everything we eat already has salt in it. People in western countries eat more salt than they need, which results in the huge increase of cardiovascular diseases. I do want to stress the point that one pizza has your daily intake of salt already...So be creative and make your own. Ready to go tomato sauce also has a lot of salt, so think of making your own signature sauce (and limit the cheese)
3. Drink enough water. This for me is almost the key to feel fit. Our organs need water to function. When you don't drink enough water your body will retain the water that is in it because it is not being 'fed' with new fluids. Besides taking care of your organs, your skin and hair will thank you as well :)
4. Eat enough! Your body needs at least 1200 calories to function properly. Go below that number and your heart will eat its own muscle. Again, your body is a temple, give it the food that it needs to be strong and fit. 

Exercise

I do pilates 3x a week and more home workouts. And unfortunately, no excuses because no gym membership is needed. Just open Youtube and type in whatever you like to do, or what part of your body you want to focus on. I do have a gym membership, but get bored soon, and tend to stop for a little bit. And then I receive an e-mail from the gym saying I haven't been there for a while...great :)

I think the most important thing to living healthy is because YOU want to. It is not about dieting, it is about creating a lifestyle that does not go up and down. Don't follow some kind of diet, but change your lifestyle. Diets are temporarily...which means after a while you will go back to your old eating habits. Don't say you are on a diet, even if you are trying to lose weight. Say you changed your lifestyle, and try to eat more healthy. Your body and mind will be thankful. We need to nourish our bodies, and take care of them. 

If you have any recipes to share, either vegetarian, vegan or 'normal' let me know! What is your ultimate diet/stay healthy tip?

INSTAGRAM

TUMBLR

Accomplishment

I wish you
Comfort on difficult days
rainbows to follow the clouds
smiles wen sadness intrudes
faith so that you can believe
sunsets to warm your heart
laughter to kiss your lips
courage to know yourself
hugs when spirits sag
patience to accept the truth
beauty for your eyes to see
confidence for when your in doubt
friendships to brighten your being
and love to complete your life

Accomplishments


Whatever struggle you might be going through, whatever path your are walking right now, whatever goals you are trying to reach, you will make it through. Because you are stronger than you think you are, much stronger. Some day you will look back and wonder how you made it so far. Why? Because you believed in yourself, and made the decision to not give up, but to continue. Be proud of your accomplishments and more important: be proud of who you are. I believe in you, God believes in you, and you should believe in yourself. We might be struggling and having a rough time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Tell yourself:
'I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn't accomplished all you had planned, I love you anyway'

Psalms tells us:
'Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me'

Love, 
a girl trying to stay strong

Motivation struggles - Fitness

I want to talk about motivation, something that pushes us to do things we usually don´t feel like doing. Today I lacked motivation, a lot, to go to the gym. I had set my mind to go after school, packed my bag and other stuff. But when school was finished I found myself moving the opposite direction, going home. I was so not motivated to go, I just didn´t care. Now that I am writing this I feel like a loser. Why did I not go? Why do I feel so lazy now, and like a failure. I told myself on Saturday and Sunday that I would go on Monday for sure. And now I didn't. And like one time is such a big deal, but the same thing happened to me last week. I was so motivated, and now I don't care any more. 

So I need to go back to the beginning, when I was so motivated and able to encourage myself everyday to go. Why did I started working out? To loose some weight and being able to fit old clothes. To be in the best shape I had ever been in and to feel confident and happy. I have lost track since 2-3 weeks, and want to go back to my schedule before. I think the biggest reason for me quitting was that I wasn't loosing any weight at all. It is so frustrating, I changed my diet, worked out hardcore but did not loose anything, I actually gained three pounds. And I know what they say, you probably gained muscle and lost inches. My body is definitely tighter but stepping onto that scale every week and not seeing any result made my heart drop. I want to change my focus of loosing weight into being confident and having a fit body. In my case that is much more realistic and doable. I am not overweight, but just feel better when I would loose a couple of pounds. 

My new goals
1. Fit into old clothes
2. Feeling confident
3. Being stronger
4. Being in the best possible shape I have ever been
5. Being happy --> When you are happy on the inside it shows on the outside. 

One verse I always tell myself, probably everyday is 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'. That means that there is something each day that I am struggling with and have no motivation to do. It is a verse for encouragement, motivation and fearing no fear.  

And Matthew tells us

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

For other people it can be so easy to tell you things; do it, you will feel better. But ultimately, you need to find motivation from yourself. And when found from within, you will feel so proud when accomplished. We all need to do tasks, or give ourselves a list of things to do. But actually doing them is the hard part. Think of tomorrow, or a week from now. How are you going to feel when you do them today? Or how are you going to feel when you don't do them? How you want to feel next week is up to you. So do it today and feel better next week. Do it today and you will have no regrets. 

I AM going to the gym tomorrow. I WILL do a home workout tonight, and will give my everything to keep on going. 

Hugs from the biggest procrastinator of all times

Wanderlust

wan·der·lust (w n d r-l st ). n. A very strong or irresistible

 impulse to travel

I think the above pretty much sums up my personality. I feel like I was born to travel and 

explore new grounds. I always have that feeling of going places, whether it is in my own 

country or abroad. It was not until I saw this definition on tumblr that it made sense, I'm 

not the only person feeling like this. 

But being a student and having a crazy tight schedule and a limited budget, traveling is 

one of the last things on my list I get to enjoy. - Maybe more than the average person, but 

it can never be enough ;) -

I haven't heard a lot of people talking about it, but I have a bucketlist, things I want to do 

before I die. Actually, it's more like places I want to visit before I die. Take a look below

 on my list.


1. See the Northern lights

2. Visit Easter Island

3. Climb to Machu Picchu

4. Ride on a camel alongside the piramides of Egypt

5. Whale watching in Cape Town

6. Count kangeroos in Australia

7. Ride a cable car in San Francisco

8. Jump of the Niagara Falls (not really ;) 



                                         

I would say nice plan for the next couple of years, right? These are some famous places I 

want to go to, that I need to see before I die. But I also have to take a step back and

 realize all the wonderful places I have been already, in my 20 years of existence


1. Walked along the Seine, Paris

2. Shopping on Oxford Street, London

3. Made some crazy pictures 'in' the bean, Chicago

4. Walked over the Rialto bridge, Venice

5. Met miss liberty, New York

6. Climbed the Alps several times, France & Austria & Italy

7. Walked over the famous Charles Bridge, Prague

8. Spotted wolves in the Rockies, Colorado

9. Experience great music, Austin TX

10. Got some great sunburns, Croatia

11. Feeling like a little girl all over in Disneyland, PA

12. Saw a city with no boundaries, Amsterdam


The reason why I am listing this is not to show of in any way. It is to show my gratitude and make myself aware of the life I was given and the many opportunities I got throughout, I am beyond blessed. All of these experiences made me the person I am  today and shaped me in more ways than I'd ever could imagine. You meet new people,  new cultures and become more open minded. You are amazed with the beauty you see  around you, in people and in life. Visiting places, whether it is a town 60 minutes up north or 600 miles west, it is an experience that life cannot take away. Sometimes I feel  like I learned more about the world by traveling than 10 years of history classes. 



                                 
(The world is a book and those do do not travel read only one page)


And this might sound crazy to some people, but I love traveling by myself. Get away from

everything and find time to relax. I sometimes travel 2 hours to get to the beach, by

 myself. Just sit in the sand and let the wind blow in my face. Lay down and listen to the

 waves. Look in the sky and watch the clouds move. It is also a great place to pray, or

 read your bible, or other favorite book. Traveling sometimes means getting close to God.

 Yearly I go to the mountains, and I feel that is the one of the best places to talk to Him. 

You feel so close and are amazed at the beautful nature created. You can also combine

 traveling with spreading the word. I did not have that opportunity yet, or had to courage

 to do it, but hopefully one day I will. 

                            

And at a last note, traveling is the place to find yourself. Find your strengths, your

 capabilities. Believe it or not, I have discovered so much about myself during all these 

trips. If you have identity problems, a depression or are worn out, go somewhere, for 

real. You will have no regrets! Traveling is so much more than 'just traveling'. Explore, 

dream & discover. 

How to stay positive

I think it is part of human nature to have our ups and downs. It is normal to sometimes feel discouraged, not that motivated or just not feeling like doing anything. However, this period should not take too much time, leaning towards other causes, e.g depression. 
Overall I get asked often how I always carry a smile (your best accessory!!) on my face and barely show any negative emotions. I think that is part of several reasons.

1) I'm a happy, harmonious person and dislike negative emotions. That is part of my   character. I do always look at the bright side of life.
2) Past experiences. 
3) People you surround yourself with.
4) Changing negative emotions to positive ones

So the first one is kind of in my genes, at least that is how I view it. Just like some people are negative, some have a more positive outlook. 

The second reason is the experiences we have been through shape us, in my case I became a happier person, because life is not as bad as it seems. I have struggled with depression, an eating disorder and social anxiety. And it will and still is be part of me, but I do not allow it to change my mood (or try to). It is a decision you can make yourself. Am I going to let my social anxiety live my life or am I going to stand above it and do something about it. If you are not liking the situation, you are the person that can make a change.

Thirdly I'd like to address how you are influenced by the people around you, consciously and unconsciously. I also had to find that out myself, but I avoid hanging out with negative minded people. Simply because they bring you down yourself. 

(I have a fellow student in my little class who is always negative, about everything. I don't really listen to what he says, goes in one ear and out another, because it used to bother me a lot)

So make the change! 'Delete' those people in your social environment. You don't have to start ignoring them, but you can eat your lunch somewhere else. 

At last I want to stress that it is a learning process. If you see someone who you define as beautiful, 'skinny' (i'd rather say fit) don't think that you look awful and start aiming at looking just like her. Instead think, she looks great. And leave it to that. You don't know how she feels on the insight, which is so much more important. Feeling happy and positive starts on the inside, and not fitting a size 0. Feel good on the inside, and it will show on the outside. 

This doesn't mean that you will feel happier one day to another. But you have to learn to not let your negative emotions and thoughts overrule. Every positive person has negative emotions, its part of life. But it is up to you what to do with them. Go to the gym and get rid of your frustrations. Or talk or cry about it, believe me, you will feel better.

From one happy person to another

I have been ridiculously (is that a word) busy. And so many things are happening at the same time, it's crazy. First I want to give an update which is kind of good news. My grandfather was diagnosed with prostate cancer, yet has quite a good diagnosis. He refused any kind of treatment, which is OK, he is almost 90 years old. Instead he's getting hormones, and all his levels dropped and he is simply doing just wonderful. Here I was so frightened to loose him, but for now he is actually healthy. He can still live on his own, does groceries on his bike, goes to the chess-club. I was so afraid having to say goodbye to him, and the opposite happened, he is in great shape! That is such a big thing that I couldn't be more thankful for.

London!

Well furthermore I got to travel to London in December for school, to attend a conference. It was great, and I just love that city. All the Christmas decorations were out, and I just finished the semester, so no better start to my well deserved break. 

Look at the pretty-ness!

At the moment I am searching for an internship, which is a pain in the butt.  It is so difficult, so many organisations and places I would love to go to. Next to that I'm attending college full-time, trying to squeeze in gymtime 3-4x a week and still working on school when I get back to my dorm. Overall, I am just too busy, or at least thats how it feels. My head is just full of stuff and I really need to take it a step back and find some peace and quiet. Which is more difficult than it sounds, especially when you don't have the time for it. My weekends consists of doing NOTHING, literally. I try to plan nothing so my body and mind can relax for two days, to gain back fuel for the next week. 

 Don't forget to take a step back every once in a while (or every day if you can/want to) and think about what is happening in your life, during your days and in your mind. What are your dreams? What are you doing at the moment to make them come true? Who do you love or care for? Do they know? I find out almost everyday that 24hrs is just not enough...yet we often do not make the most out of it. Life is so simple yet so complicated. Do what makes you happy. That's all. 

And if you want to take a time out of working, doing homework, going to classes, working at your office job, or WHATEVER you do, I have so tips

- Paint your nails (yourself, or treat yourself and get a mani/pedi)

- Go to a park, pack some fruit, walk around and sit on a bench. Inhale the fresh air, look around, life's good :)

- Find an 'impossible' recipe online, go to the store and get the ingredients. Prepare and make a picture of it. How much does it (not) look as the recipe? Maybe it tastes delicious!

- Go to the beach (my favourite place in the world ) sit in the sand and let the wind blow in your face. Close your eyes and listen to the waves. You can also go to a lake or river, it's so peaceful. Don't forget your little picknick!

- Simply do nothing. It is probably harder then it sounds


Don't count every hour in the day, but make every hour in the day count
&

A happy heart makes the face cheerful (proverbs 13) Have a great and peaceful Sunday!

Life with an Aspie (asperger) father

It was not until a couple of years back that I met fathers of my friends and noticed some particular differences between their relationship and the one I had (or actually don't have) with my dad. I watched them having conversations that I could only dream of to be having with him. I saw the interest and love coming from a dad towards their child, something I have always missed coming from my father. Never in my life I'd hear my dad tell me he loves me, cares about me or that he is proud of me. Some small words with great meanings. And growing up with no relationship at all with my father, I did not know any better then that men in general were distant 'creatures' that didn't really feel like participating in anything. 

But I was wrong. I had no clue that this was not normal. It is hard to imagine what this must feel like when you are not in the same situation. Never did my dad pay any interest in me or my life. He will ask one question every day, straight when he comes from work; How was your day? And it doesn't matter what you answer. Good, bad, busy, boring, lazy etc. Because he won't ask any further. If you say I had the most wonderful or horrible day, he doesn't care to ask any further. Why was it good or bad? Did something happen. None of that will come out of his mouth. Only a simple ok. With everything you say, he will answer with ok.

One day I will never forget; I had probably the most important exam of my life, it was a resit for a course, and it was a make it or break it kind of situation, I would be kicked-off my university, and a loss of my tuition fees. I had studied day and nights, trying to remember every little word from my studybooks. A couple of days after I had taken my resit I got an e-mail that I had passed the exam. Tears welled up and I wanted to tell someone. My parents were at home, and dad was sitting in the kitchen. I walked through the door and said; I passed my exam, I get to stay! He looked up and said; hm and went back to the folder he was reading. Thats what I got out of him, a simple hmm. Nothing more than a simple ´good job´, or ´I am happy for you´ is what I wanted from him. I wanted to make him proud of me, and yet nothing came out of his mouth. 

You know, living with my dad is not easy, not for me, my sisters and especially my mother. He is more of a child to her than a husband and friend. I´m praying for strength, happiness and patience for my mom, and anyone else who is in a similar situation. The acceptance part is so difficult. He will never be as us, show any interest or love towards his children. I have no relationship with him, he is my biological father and always will be. But there is nothing more than that, it´s like he is there but at the same time he isn´t. He fills up empty space physically but not emotionally. 

I do not blame him for being the way he is, or I try not to. But sometimes I get so pissed and loose my patience. Not on purpose, but because the situation stresses me. I want to interact with him, involve him in my life, but he does not want to. There is no effort at all, while all I want is a father-daughter relationship. Deep down inside I know this will always stay the same, and it saddens me. But I try to remember that not everyone has the privilege to have their biological father alive or around. 

I think because of this I consider God my Father. I talk to him, ask questions and advice. I know people see their relationship with God different, but knowing that I do have a father that is involved in my life strengthens me and makes me happy. I don't pity myself for the situation I am in, but thank Him. I have learned to grow patience and understanding for other people.

As a reminder for myself, it is not my dads fault he is the way he is, and I will always love him because he is my father.
1 Corinthians 13:4 
Love is patient. Love is kind