How to stop worrying

Everyone worries from time to time. This can range from whether our family members are safe to if you forgot to pack lunch for your son or daughter. It is almost impossible to live a life without any worries. That would almost mean that you don't really care, right? But after the 'normal' worries, it can get out of hand. This can lead to anxiety or depression.

Worrying usually has to do with a certain fear. It can be a repetition of something that has happened before or the fear/feeling can be new to you. It can also be something genetic or you have seen your one of your parents worry during your childhood. You might be unaware of this, but somehow it had an impact on how you deal with fears. Having a lot of responsibilities at a young age can make you more vulnerable to become a person with worries. This topic just depends on what kind of person you are and how you were brought up. 

Worries, doubts and sadness

As the leaves are falling from the trees, I have come to the realization that no matter what happens, life goes on. I wish it would stay summer forever. How come everyone seems to move on from summer to fall but me. 

For the past three weeks I have been sitting at home by myself. I did not leave the house and can cry about every little thing. A commercial from the world wide fund came on and I started bawling my eyes out. I am crying myself to sleep at night. And unfortuntaly, I can recognize all the symptoms. This happened before. And the worst thing is that winter is yet to come. I am sad and have no distractions. And probably the most stupid thing: all because I did not find an internship. I am talking to a lady that might be able to help me, but my intuition is telling me something else. My heart is saying no and take some time out. Go explore, travel and help mankind. I feel the strong urge to help others, but I don't know how to respond to that feeling. I don't know how to deal with this thought and how it entered my mind. I am a person that always listens to what my heart says. Does it feel right or not. This feeling is so strong and I have been looking online to ways that I can help. A lot of volunteers are needed internationally, but I just don't know what decision I should make. Do I take the safe route or the daring one. I am a person that takes risks, but maybe for once I should not? I know for sure that if I stay here I am going to be miserable for a long period of time. And that is why I don't want to take the possible internship. I feel like I need to go out, travel to another place and change lives. But where to start....I don't know. 

I have noticed that when times are rough, we tend to search for God. Especially feeling so alone and sad, He is the one that can give me strenght and motivation. Getting out of bed in the morning and falling asleep at night are the worst moments of the day. And actually everything in between. How did I go from the happiest and positive person to this sad mess that just doesn't care. I am scared to admit that many thoughts went through my head of me not being on this earth anymore. Because I do not care about anything anymore. I have to get back on track and find happiness. But I know this place won't give me that. I shouldn't run from my problems or feelings, but have yet to find a way to deal with that. When I was between the years of 13-15 I had a depression that had taken all of my happiness and I had no purpose of living. I went on an exchange year in another country and found the happiness I was longing for. Life changed and made sense again. And this is what I have been missing. 

For now I ask God what to do and what direction I should go. I know He has the answers, and if I search I will find them. He knows what will happen next, and all I have to do is put my faith into His hands. I understand this sounds easier than actually doing it, but I just have to. Because He tells us

 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

You heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help… Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

All I can say is Amen, and blessings to all of you

<3

Life with an Aspie (asperger) father

It was not until a couple of years back that I met fathers of my friends and noticed some particular differences between their relationship and the one I had (or actually don't have) with my dad. I watched them having conversations that I could only dream of to be having with him. I saw the interest and love coming from a dad towards their child, something I have always missed coming from my father. Never in my life I'd hear my dad tell me he loves me, cares about me or that he is proud of me. Some small words with great meanings. And growing up with no relationship at all with my father, I did not know any better then that men in general were distant 'creatures' that didn't really feel like participating in anything. 

But I was wrong. I had no clue that this was not normal. It is hard to imagine what this must feel like when you are not in the same situation. Never did my dad pay any interest in me or my life. He will ask one question every day, straight when he comes from work; How was your day? And it doesn't matter what you answer. Good, bad, busy, boring, lazy etc. Because he won't ask any further. If you say I had the most wonderful or horrible day, he doesn't care to ask any further. Why was it good or bad? Did something happen. None of that will come out of his mouth. Only a simple ok. With everything you say, he will answer with ok.

One day I will never forget; I had probably the most important exam of my life, it was a resit for a course, and it was a make it or break it kind of situation, I would be kicked-off my university, and a loss of my tuition fees. I had studied day and nights, trying to remember every little word from my studybooks. A couple of days after I had taken my resit I got an e-mail that I had passed the exam. Tears welled up and I wanted to tell someone. My parents were at home, and dad was sitting in the kitchen. I walked through the door and said; I passed my exam, I get to stay! He looked up and said; hm and went back to the folder he was reading. Thats what I got out of him, a simple hmm. Nothing more than a simple ´good job´, or ´I am happy for you´ is what I wanted from him. I wanted to make him proud of me, and yet nothing came out of his mouth. 

You know, living with my dad is not easy, not for me, my sisters and especially my mother. He is more of a child to her than a husband and friend. I´m praying for strength, happiness and patience for my mom, and anyone else who is in a similar situation. The acceptance part is so difficult. He will never be as us, show any interest or love towards his children. I have no relationship with him, he is my biological father and always will be. But there is nothing more than that, it´s like he is there but at the same time he isn´t. He fills up empty space physically but not emotionally. 

I do not blame him for being the way he is, or I try not to. But sometimes I get so pissed and loose my patience. Not on purpose, but because the situation stresses me. I want to interact with him, involve him in my life, but he does not want to. There is no effort at all, while all I want is a father-daughter relationship. Deep down inside I know this will always stay the same, and it saddens me. But I try to remember that not everyone has the privilege to have their biological father alive or around. 

I think because of this I consider God my Father. I talk to him, ask questions and advice. I know people see their relationship with God different, but knowing that I do have a father that is involved in my life strengthens me and makes me happy. I don't pity myself for the situation I am in, but thank Him. I have learned to grow patience and understanding for other people.

As a reminder for myself, it is not my dads fault he is the way he is, and I will always love him because he is my father.
1 Corinthians 13:4 
Love is patient. Love is kind