HOPE - hold on, pain ends

This four letter word makes me get up in the morning. It brings me new dreams and the motivation to continue. It brings me joy and wipes away my tears. 

Worries, doubts and sadness

As the leaves are falling from the trees, I have come to the realization that no matter what happens, life goes on. I wish it would stay summer forever. How come everyone seems to move on from summer to fall but me. 

For the past three weeks I have been sitting at home by myself. I did not leave the house and can cry about every little thing. A commercial from the world wide fund came on and I started bawling my eyes out. I am crying myself to sleep at night. And unfortuntaly, I can recognize all the symptoms. This happened before. And the worst thing is that winter is yet to come. I am sad and have no distractions. And probably the most stupid thing: all because I did not find an internship. I am talking to a lady that might be able to help me, but my intuition is telling me something else. My heart is saying no and take some time out. Go explore, travel and help mankind. I feel the strong urge to help others, but I don't know how to respond to that feeling. I don't know how to deal with this thought and how it entered my mind. I am a person that always listens to what my heart says. Does it feel right or not. This feeling is so strong and I have been looking online to ways that I can help. A lot of volunteers are needed internationally, but I just don't know what decision I should make. Do I take the safe route or the daring one. I am a person that takes risks, but maybe for once I should not? I know for sure that if I stay here I am going to be miserable for a long period of time. And that is why I don't want to take the possible internship. I feel like I need to go out, travel to another place and change lives. But where to start....I don't know. 

I have noticed that when times are rough, we tend to search for God. Especially feeling so alone and sad, He is the one that can give me strenght and motivation. Getting out of bed in the morning and falling asleep at night are the worst moments of the day. And actually everything in between. How did I go from the happiest and positive person to this sad mess that just doesn't care. I am scared to admit that many thoughts went through my head of me not being on this earth anymore. Because I do not care about anything anymore. I have to get back on track and find happiness. But I know this place won't give me that. I shouldn't run from my problems or feelings, but have yet to find a way to deal with that. When I was between the years of 13-15 I had a depression that had taken all of my happiness and I had no purpose of living. I went on an exchange year in another country and found the happiness I was longing for. Life changed and made sense again. And this is what I have been missing. 

For now I ask God what to do and what direction I should go. I know He has the answers, and if I search I will find them. He knows what will happen next, and all I have to do is put my faith into His hands. I understand this sounds easier than actually doing it, but I just have to. Because He tells us

 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

You heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help… Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

All I can say is Amen, and blessings to all of you

<3

Trust

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Accomplishment

I wish you
Comfort on difficult days
rainbows to follow the clouds
smiles wen sadness intrudes
faith so that you can believe
sunsets to warm your heart
laughter to kiss your lips
courage to know yourself
hugs when spirits sag
patience to accept the truth
beauty for your eyes to see
confidence for when your in doubt
friendships to brighten your being
and love to complete your life

Accomplishments


Whatever struggle you might be going through, whatever path your are walking right now, whatever goals you are trying to reach, you will make it through. Because you are stronger than you think you are, much stronger. Some day you will look back and wonder how you made it so far. Why? Because you believed in yourself, and made the decision to not give up, but to continue. Be proud of your accomplishments and more important: be proud of who you are. I believe in you, God believes in you, and you should believe in yourself. We might be struggling and having a rough time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Tell yourself:
'I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn't accomplished all you had planned, I love you anyway'

Psalms tells us:
'Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me'

Love, 
a girl trying to stay strong

Motivation struggles - Fitness

I want to talk about motivation, something that pushes us to do things we usually don´t feel like doing. Today I lacked motivation, a lot, to go to the gym. I had set my mind to go after school, packed my bag and other stuff. But when school was finished I found myself moving the opposite direction, going home. I was so not motivated to go, I just didn´t care. Now that I am writing this I feel like a loser. Why did I not go? Why do I feel so lazy now, and like a failure. I told myself on Saturday and Sunday that I would go on Monday for sure. And now I didn't. And like one time is such a big deal, but the same thing happened to me last week. I was so motivated, and now I don't care any more. 

So I need to go back to the beginning, when I was so motivated and able to encourage myself everyday to go. Why did I started working out? To loose some weight and being able to fit old clothes. To be in the best shape I had ever been in and to feel confident and happy. I have lost track since 2-3 weeks, and want to go back to my schedule before. I think the biggest reason for me quitting was that I wasn't loosing any weight at all. It is so frustrating, I changed my diet, worked out hardcore but did not loose anything, I actually gained three pounds. And I know what they say, you probably gained muscle and lost inches. My body is definitely tighter but stepping onto that scale every week and not seeing any result made my heart drop. I want to change my focus of loosing weight into being confident and having a fit body. In my case that is much more realistic and doable. I am not overweight, but just feel better when I would loose a couple of pounds. 

My new goals
1. Fit into old clothes
2. Feeling confident
3. Being stronger
4. Being in the best possible shape I have ever been
5. Being happy --> When you are happy on the inside it shows on the outside. 

One verse I always tell myself, probably everyday is 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'. That means that there is something each day that I am struggling with and have no motivation to do. It is a verse for encouragement, motivation and fearing no fear.  

And Matthew tells us

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

For other people it can be so easy to tell you things; do it, you will feel better. But ultimately, you need to find motivation from yourself. And when found from within, you will feel so proud when accomplished. We all need to do tasks, or give ourselves a list of things to do. But actually doing them is the hard part. Think of tomorrow, or a week from now. How are you going to feel when you do them today? Or how are you going to feel when you don't do them? How you want to feel next week is up to you. So do it today and feel better next week. Do it today and you will have no regrets. 

I AM going to the gym tomorrow. I WILL do a home workout tonight, and will give my everything to keep on going. 

Hugs from the biggest procrastinator of all times

I have been ridiculously (is that a word) busy. And so many things are happening at the same time, it's crazy. First I want to give an update which is kind of good news. My grandfather was diagnosed with prostate cancer, yet has quite a good diagnosis. He refused any kind of treatment, which is OK, he is almost 90 years old. Instead he's getting hormones, and all his levels dropped and he is simply doing just wonderful. Here I was so frightened to loose him, but for now he is actually healthy. He can still live on his own, does groceries on his bike, goes to the chess-club. I was so afraid having to say goodbye to him, and the opposite happened, he is in great shape! That is such a big thing that I couldn't be more thankful for.

London!

Well furthermore I got to travel to London in December for school, to attend a conference. It was great, and I just love that city. All the Christmas decorations were out, and I just finished the semester, so no better start to my well deserved break. 

Look at the pretty-ness!

At the moment I am searching for an internship, which is a pain in the butt.  It is so difficult, so many organisations and places I would love to go to. Next to that I'm attending college full-time, trying to squeeze in gymtime 3-4x a week and still working on school when I get back to my dorm. Overall, I am just too busy, or at least thats how it feels. My head is just full of stuff and I really need to take it a step back and find some peace and quiet. Which is more difficult than it sounds, especially when you don't have the time for it. My weekends consists of doing NOTHING, literally. I try to plan nothing so my body and mind can relax for two days, to gain back fuel for the next week. 

 Don't forget to take a step back every once in a while (or every day if you can/want to) and think about what is happening in your life, during your days and in your mind. What are your dreams? What are you doing at the moment to make them come true? Who do you love or care for? Do they know? I find out almost everyday that 24hrs is just not enough...yet we often do not make the most out of it. Life is so simple yet so complicated. Do what makes you happy. That's all. 

And if you want to take a time out of working, doing homework, going to classes, working at your office job, or WHATEVER you do, I have so tips

- Paint your nails (yourself, or treat yourself and get a mani/pedi)

- Go to a park, pack some fruit, walk around and sit on a bench. Inhale the fresh air, look around, life's good :)

- Find an 'impossible' recipe online, go to the store and get the ingredients. Prepare and make a picture of it. How much does it (not) look as the recipe? Maybe it tastes delicious!

- Go to the beach (my favourite place in the world ) sit in the sand and let the wind blow in your face. Close your eyes and listen to the waves. You can also go to a lake or river, it's so peaceful. Don't forget your little picknick!

- Simply do nothing. It is probably harder then it sounds


Don't count every hour in the day, but make every hour in the day count
&

A happy heart makes the face cheerful (proverbs 13) Have a great and peaceful Sunday!

Letter to my future husband

Here I am another night wondering what you are doing. Where are you, what is keeping you busy...Are you safe, do you have worries, are you longing to me as much as I am to you? I wonder when God will let us meet. I know he is kneading my heart at the very moment, and is keeping me comfort for the time I have to wait until I can see you. I wonder what the colours of your eyes are. Do you have brown hair as I envisioned? Are you in college or did you graduate already. Working a 9 to 5 job or sitting at home waiting for a job offer. Did we already meet or do you live at the other side of the planet?

Whoever and wherever you are, I am praying for you. I pray that God will keep you safe. May He take your worries away, and be with you everyday. I hope you are surrounded by people you love and whom love you back. I cannot wait to meet you and get to know you better. To get to know the real you, your past and start  our future.

I am waiting, a little anxiously. Keep safe and see you soon.
Love, Jessica