As the leaves are falling from the trees, I have come to the realization that no matter what happens, life goes on. I wish it would stay summer forever. How come everyone seems to move on from summer to fall but me.
For the past three weeks I have been sitting at home by myself. I did not leave the house and can cry about every little thing. A commercial from the world wide fund came on and I started bawling my eyes out. I am crying myself to sleep at night. And unfortuntaly, I can recognize all the symptoms. This happened before. And the worst thing is that winter is yet to come. I am sad and have no distractions. And probably the most stupid thing: all because I did not find an internship. I am talking to a lady that might be able to help me, but my intuition is telling me something else. My heart is saying no and take some time out. Go explore, travel and help mankind. I feel the strong urge to help others, but I don't know how to respond to that feeling. I don't know how to deal with this thought and how it entered my mind. I am a person that always listens to what my heart says. Does it feel right or not. This feeling is so strong and I have been looking online to ways that I can help. A lot of volunteers are needed internationally, but I just don't know what decision I should make. Do I take the safe route or the daring one. I am a person that takes risks, but maybe for once I should not? I know for sure that if I stay here I am going to be miserable for a long period of time. And that is why I don't want to take the possible internship. I feel like I need to go out, travel to another place and change lives. But where to start....I don't know.
I have noticed that when times are rough, we tend to search for God. Especially feeling so alone and sad, He is the one that can give me strenght and motivation. Getting out of bed in the morning and falling asleep at night are the worst moments of the day. And actually everything in between. How did I go from the happiest and positive person to this sad mess that just doesn't care. I am scared to admit that many thoughts went through my head of me not being on this earth anymore. Because I do not care about anything anymore. I have to get back on track and find happiness. But I know this place won't give me that. I shouldn't run from my problems or feelings, but have yet to find a way to deal with that. When I was between the years of 13-15 I had a depression that had taken all of my happiness and I had no purpose of living. I went on an exchange year in another country and found the happiness I was longing for. Life changed and made sense again. And this is what I have been missing.
For now I ask God what to do and what direction I should go. I know He has the answers, and if I search I will find them. He knows what will happen next, and all I have to do is put my faith into His hands. I understand this sounds easier than actually doing it, but I just have to. Because He tells us
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.
You heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help… Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
All I can say is Amen, and blessings to all of you