Two weeks ago today, I said goodbye to my family and friends. Two weeks ago I had no idea what was in store for me, or any expectations that I should have, except for the cold. Now two weeks further I am confused, and not sure what to feel. Reality has set in just a little more, and I am just unsure how and what to feel. I don't feel very happy, yet not very sad either. Somewhere in the middle, I would say just confused. But I guess that is normal when adapting to a new culture and country. Secretly, I would not mind to go home. I would not call myself homesick, but I sure do feel lost. The day before yesterday was really tough. I had just moved from the hostel I was staying in to my little room in the flat where all international students are living. I have yet to meet them, I have been outside or locking myself up in my room. During the evenings and nights they wander drunk around the hallways, screaming and yelling for one another. Do I want to be a part of that, I am unsure. I feel anxious and a little terrified of how they will respond to my presence. I admit I feel scared. But I am unsure of what? Are my expectations met?
Confusing feelings and loneliness. That is what is going on in my little mind. Unsure how to deal with everything that has been coming to me.
“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
I found this piece of text and it is somehow relating to my own feelings. Life is no picknick, it is real and sometimes you are just lost. As long as you get back on track, feeling lost is no shame. I hope your Sunday is a little better than mine.
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