Has it been over a month since my last post already? Time flies when you are so so busy...And with busy I mean BUSY! I had another exam last week, and I have no idea how it went. Furthermore I am working on getting a new room somewhere in the city. I am starting to feel more uncomfortable in the one I have right now. Just the whole atmosphere in the house is not nice, and I - even unconsciously - try to spent as little time in my room as possible. The university library is my new home.
Feelings of this week
What I have experienced the last couple of days was a very strange feeling...Since the summer I lost 23 pounds. And being just 5''3, that is quite a difference. I didn't recognize myself when I gained 20+ pounds in just a year, and now I don't recognize myself after I have lost them. Its been around 3 three years that I was at my current weight. I thought that this weight loss progress was just physical, but it is also emotional and a mental process and change. Today I was shopping for new clothes. I was surprised that the smaller size I was trying on, a 6-8, was even too loose, and that I had to try on an even smaller size. The thought that went through my head was; but I'm not worthy of trying on a size 4-6. And a couple of seconds later I thought about what went through my head. Why am I not worth to try on a smaller size? Do I still see the bigger girl that I saw for over a year in the mirror. Do you not understand that your body has changed? Do you not understand that it is time to appreciate and love yourself? Jess, for this one time, accept yourself the way you are. I achieved one goal, which was to loose weight. How much, I don't know. But I didn't really achieve my other goal. Feeling confident, at ease and proud of my body. That is a whole different process than my first goal. While shopping I looked in the mirror every once in a while and said to myself; Be proud...look at you! But then a minute later I felt like the big girl again. Shaming yourself for so many years really does have an effect on you. No matter what, my first thought will always be gross, or disgusting. I am not sure why I think like this at all times, but it is something I need to work on. It is a long process of acceptance and loving myself for the person I am at this moment. I have counted calories since I was 15 years old, so I have 7 years of calorie amounts in my head. You say the product and I will tell you how much calories and fat it has. Somehow I want to find a balance between eating healthy but not counting calories. Yet, it gives me the feeling of control and decreases my fears. And that feeling is addictive. And it needs to stop. So right now I'm on a journey towards a healthy calorie intake and a positive self image. If you have any good recipes, preferably vegetarian, or food bloggers, feel free to share :)