Recovery - those days

No one ever told me about mental illness, or the aftermath of it. No one mentioned that it is not just the period of mental illness itself that is difficult. After time, it is followed by an almost just as difficult period, called recovery.

Those days that you are wondering if you are back at where you started.
Those days living in fear, of what will I become.
Those days afraid of falling into a deep depression once all over again.
Those days dreaming of what could have been, what should have been.
Those days where all you can think about are your years lost to depression.
Those days where you are angry at what happened to you. But what to get angry at?

But also,

Those days where, in thanksgiving, you realize that you are still here.
Those days where you find that whatever you are doing right now, there is a reason for your presence on this planet.
Those days that make you realize that life can offer good things.
Those days where you can feel the sunbeams on your face, and get to feel warmth again.
And those days where you feel a sparkle of hope, for today, tomorrow and the future.

Making it through the day

The days are getting shorter, it is cold outside and life seems less exciting at the moment. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), depression, mental illness or bad days happen to everyone. But how do we get through them when all we want to do is crawl up like a little ball into bed and stay there for a day, week, month or until spring is here…

Hows life? little update

A lot has happened the past months..heck the past year. As can be read in my previous posts, I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for about six months now. To say six months out loud feels strange. I feel like it's shorter, although it's like I've been unhappy forever.

I can tell that I'm trying my hardest to get out of my depression, but it is harder and takes longer then expected. My anxiety is still high, which is just exhausting. I have been really tired and feeling different compared to the past three months. I'm kind of happy that I have lost around 9 pounds since the new year. Around  6 more and I hit my first goal. But besides from that I have just not been feeling well. I just don't know what is wrong with me. I'm cranky, not really patient and find it so difficult to enjoy life. I have been going on this symptom checker website, and they keep saying depression, anxiety and thyroid problems. I've always been tired and not interested in things, and my blood was tested but nothing ever came out to be causing the problem. Me any my doctor also thought about thyroid issues, but I guess it isn't. And sometimes I feel like my depression gets better, but than I have a huge step back, where I am wondering why I am alive as I feel like I have no purpose. All kind of heavy stuff, but I don't know how to break free from it. My anxiety has been kind of the same I guess, not changing a lot. 

I've looked on the internet for rooms for when I move to the university this summer. Nothing too special came up, or something that would fit me (and financially). And in about a month I get to go on a little vacation to central america, so I'm trying to stay busy focusing on that. 

But I just have to remember; 'there are always flowers for those who want to see them'.

tumblr

Conquer your fears

Everyone has fears. Even the people that you admire. People that seem so confident and inspire you. Then how come you don't notice fears in some people? Because they don't let their fears control their life. 

How to stop worrying

Everyone worries from time to time. This can range from whether our family members are safe to if you forgot to pack lunch for your son or daughter. It is almost impossible to live a life without any worries. That would almost mean that you don't really care, right? But after the 'normal' worries, it can get out of hand. This can lead to anxiety or depression.

Worrying usually has to do with a certain fear. It can be a repetition of something that has happened before or the fear/feeling can be new to you. It can also be something genetic or you have seen your one of your parents worry during your childhood. You might be unaware of this, but somehow it had an impact on how you deal with fears. Having a lot of responsibilities at a young age can make you more vulnerable to become a person with worries. This topic just depends on what kind of person you are and how you were brought up. 

Finding courage

The past week my life has changed for the better. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, a turn of 180 degrees. I have been feeling down for the past three months but I am happy again. 

It was a change from night to day, from rain to sunshine, from cold to warmth. I have read those quotes over and over again, about how it is possible to change your life , and if your sad you are the one that is steering the wheel. But these inspirational words did not make sense until now. And although it seemed like such a big deal, I should have done this a long time ago. 

I decided to stop my current education, the word is out. I hadn't noticed how unhappy I was with the major I was following. How it was impossible to dream of my future because it was not going to make me happy. However, nothing else matched my interest, so I pretty much had to follow this program. Why? Because that was expected from me, and it made sense. But for once I got to make a decision in my interest, and I had no idea I could feel this way about it.

Of course it was painful to quit after this time, but rather this way than being unhappy for the rest of my life. And this was a life lesson that I learned, once more. When I was an exchange student I had to change families twice, due to the fact things weren't right and I was uncomfortable. This was a painful process because people's feelings were hurt. However, after all the pain, I learnt what it was like to experience true happiness and laughter. And I feel like this again. It still hurts to think back of everything that happened, and sometimes feeling like a disappointment, but then I think back of how unhappy I was, and what an unhealthy environment I was in. It was all for the better.

Lessons to be learnt

Life is going to be tough. Sometimes life will be painful. It is teaching us lessons that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. But the biggest storms that we will face, those count the most. They will give us back a reason to live. 

Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us

I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. For me not finding an internship or another course to continue the major I was following was the moment I got the courage to completely quit. In the end it was what I needed to be happy again. This might sound crazy to some people, but for me it was just what I needed. I am sad that I got in such a low place the past months, but I am happy that these times will pass. I came out of it as a stronger and different person than I was in July. Sometimes life will be painful and we will have to cry ourselves to sleep because of our heavy hearts and messed up minds. But we must be strong and courageous. 

If you are having a hard time, maybe you need change, but you're lacking courage. I want to say that you must not be afraid. Talk to someone about it, and pray, and change what needs to be different. You DO have control of your life. You ARE in control of your happiness. You CAN change your future for the better. I believe in you, and hope that you are brave enough to change whatever needs to be different in order for you to enjoy life. 

Whatever life gives you, even if it hurts, just be strong, and put on your game face. Strong walls shake, but never collapse.

Healthy living #2 - mental health

One of my most read posts is about healthy living, which can be found  here. This was mostly about eating the right foods and working out to stay healthy (and happy). However, those two things will not lead to the ultimate health that you want. Another big aspect, which might be even more important than physical health is your mental health. Diseases that have to do with your mind can impair your life in big ways and many people are not aware of this. You might be having a hard time, or someone at work is affected by depression. The big difference between most physical and mental disabilities is the visibility of them. Your mental health is often not seen from the outside; family or friends may not know you are suffering. Sometime you are not even aware of your own state of mind. It can be years before you are diagnosed with bipolar or anxiety. When we don't feel well we often don't think that this has to do with our own mental health. However, sometimes we have to look beyond the usual headache.

HOPE - hold on, pain ends

This four letter word makes me get up in the morning. It brings me new dreams and the motivation to continue. It brings me joy and wipes away my tears. 

Worries, doubts and sadness

As the leaves are falling from the trees, I have come to the realization that no matter what happens, life goes on. I wish it would stay summer forever. How come everyone seems to move on from summer to fall but me. 

For the past three weeks I have been sitting at home by myself. I did not leave the house and can cry about every little thing. A commercial from the world wide fund came on and I started bawling my eyes out. I am crying myself to sleep at night. And unfortuntaly, I can recognize all the symptoms. This happened before. And the worst thing is that winter is yet to come. I am sad and have no distractions. And probably the most stupid thing: all because I did not find an internship. I am talking to a lady that might be able to help me, but my intuition is telling me something else. My heart is saying no and take some time out. Go explore, travel and help mankind. I feel the strong urge to help others, but I don't know how to respond to that feeling. I don't know how to deal with this thought and how it entered my mind. I am a person that always listens to what my heart says. Does it feel right or not. This feeling is so strong and I have been looking online to ways that I can help. A lot of volunteers are needed internationally, but I just don't know what decision I should make. Do I take the safe route or the daring one. I am a person that takes risks, but maybe for once I should not? I know for sure that if I stay here I am going to be miserable for a long period of time. And that is why I don't want to take the possible internship. I feel like I need to go out, travel to another place and change lives. But where to start....I don't know. 

I have noticed that when times are rough, we tend to search for God. Especially feeling so alone and sad, He is the one that can give me strenght and motivation. Getting out of bed in the morning and falling asleep at night are the worst moments of the day. And actually everything in between. How did I go from the happiest and positive person to this sad mess that just doesn't care. I am scared to admit that many thoughts went through my head of me not being on this earth anymore. Because I do not care about anything anymore. I have to get back on track and find happiness. But I know this place won't give me that. I shouldn't run from my problems or feelings, but have yet to find a way to deal with that. When I was between the years of 13-15 I had a depression that had taken all of my happiness and I had no purpose of living. I went on an exchange year in another country and found the happiness I was longing for. Life changed and made sense again. And this is what I have been missing. 

For now I ask God what to do and what direction I should go. I know He has the answers, and if I search I will find them. He knows what will happen next, and all I have to do is put my faith into His hands. I understand this sounds easier than actually doing it, but I just have to. Because He tells us

 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

You heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help… Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

All I can say is Amen, and blessings to all of you

<3