Recovery - those days

No one ever told me about mental illness, or the aftermath of it. No one mentioned that it is not just the period of mental illness itself that is difficult. After time, it is followed by an almost just as difficult period, called recovery.

Those days that you are wondering if you are back at where you started.
Those days living in fear, of what will I become.
Those days afraid of falling into a deep depression once all over again.
Those days dreaming of what could have been, what should have been.
Those days where all you can think about are your years lost to depression.
Those days where you are angry at what happened to you. But what to get angry at?

But also,

Those days where, in thanksgiving, you realize that you are still here.
Those days where you find that whatever you are doing right now, there is a reason for your presence on this planet.
Those days that make you realize that life can offer good things.
Those days where you can feel the sunbeams on your face, and get to feel warmth again.
And those days where you feel a sparkle of hope, for today, tomorrow and the future.

Check in: resolution

This is the third month of 2015, so a great time to check in with your personal new years resolutions. (Remember telling you that I'd reflect back on your resolutions)? The deal with making change is to make it permanent, and that sure ain't easy. Just an idea in your head will not make it easy to make real changes. Sometimes you need a written plan with steps for you to take in order to reach your goal. 

My resolution was to make a little list each day to be thankful for. And I'm proud to say I'm still doing it. Not everyday, but probably 3 times a week. Usually when I cannot sleep, in the shower or when I brush my teeth and getting ready for bed. And no matter how awful my day was, there was always something to be thankful for. Always! And I realized that when something bad happened during the day, I labeled my day as 'bad' or 'unproductive'. Yet I come to realize that it is not the case. I guess we are so used to the life we live and things we take for granted, that at times we are unaware of our blessings. 

A second resolution was to lose weight. I know right, how predictable? Has there ever been a year that it was not on my list of resolutions? Anyways, on the first of January I didn't feel the need to lose weight. And neither did I on the 2nd or 3rd. But when the second week of January rolled around, my mom said she wanted to lose weight that she gained due to menopause. And my sister had the same resolution. She bought a new scale, apparently our old one did not work right. And it didn't because I was 5 pounds heavier on the new scale, bummer. So this was a little wake up call, and I decided to join in. We started to eat healthy and watch what we ate. And by surprise, I actually started to eat healthier and loose some pounds. Over the years my weight has fluctuated greatly, and it has become quite a sensitive issue. (As in I refused to tell my mom or sister how much my weight was). Since the summer I lost 9 pounds, and since January 6. So far a total of 15 pounds, which I am really happy about.I am feeling so much more comfortable in my own skin. To reach my goal I have 5 more pounds to go, but to see how far I've come, I am confident I can reach this. This would actually be my old high school weight. My clothes are starting to become too big, especially my jeans. This would be fun if you had money, but being a student on a budget, it can be quite a struggle. I am so happy I kept all of my clothes from 4 years ago. When cleaning up my closet I always hoped that  one day I would have my old weight again so I didn't throw them out, great motivation. 
And most importantly, it is not about the number on the scale, but about you as a person. At my highest weight I didn't recognize myself, and I was feeling ashamed. But I am starting to feel more comfortable and confident. There isn't really any feeling that I prefer over how I feel right now. 

If you had any, how are your resolutions going? Was it fun for a month but did you go back to your old ways of doing? Permanent change is never easy, and can be done any day during the year, not just on January 1st. 

Have a wonderful day! 

Love

Update: spring, college, life and girl meets world

Doesn't life just get better when winter is coming to an end? The sun is out more, and longer! In the morning it is not that difficult to get out of bed and be productive (although today is an exception). I don't have to bundle every piece of my body. My mood is better, feeling optimistic and positive. And those sunbeams….how amazing it feels to feel the warmth against your skin. Time to bring out those sunglasses! 

Is there a season that you prefer over another? Or does every season have something good and beautiful about it. I guess thinking about it, I love every season for different reasons. And on that note, I also dislike every season for different reasons. But for me, spring is the perfect season. Temperatures are still alright, you are not sweating every minute when your outside. Yet you don't have to wear gloves and scarves no more. And personally, I find spring the season of renewed hope. You know when in fall, everything kind of 'dies'. All the leafs fall of the trees. And in winter, nothing is really alive or green. But then there is spring time! Trees are finally blooming again. The world is becoming more alive. The people around you are becoming happier. You become happier. Life gets better. Life gets hopeful. For 5 months the weather was cold, rainy and snowy. But like everything in life, after a darker time the sun starts shining. After a couple of hard months, there is new hope. And so it is with the seasons. You have seasons of life, and seasons of weather. But they are strongly relatable. 

This semester started out relaxed and not too busy, but the pace is getting faster and faster. This week I have a resit of a difficult exam that I just barely not passed. That is one of the most annoying things, when you only needed like 0.2 points or so to pass. What do you prefer? A barely not pass, that you know that you almost had everything right and you have to study not that much. Although it seems a waste of work and effort that you put into it. Or do you prefer not a pass at all, needing 2-3 points more. Then you know that you need to study, but it might not feel like a waste of time that you put into it, because you were so off on the right answers.

This weekend we went to the forest with our dog and took a long walk. It was so nice and relaxing. Those moments always make me appreciate life and the beautiful nature we get to enjoy. It also makes me aware that there is more to life than college. There is more than passing exams and being a good student, sibling, friend and daughter. I enjoyed every minute of this weekend, and I am feeling so much better. I am always so scared to talk about depression and anxiety when I am starting to feel a little better. Why? Because it seems that every time I talk or write about it, it seems to get worse afterwards. I don't know what that is or means. And I don't like that. But I'm feeling more comfortable, more at ease and in a better mood since January. I don't know what it was, but since two months I am starting to get better. Like really better. And I'm beyond thankful. Because life is good when you can enjoy and live it. And going through rough times makes you so thankful and aware of the life you were given. And every once in a while I get mad. Why me? Why did I have to feel like this. And it makes me scared of the future. What if it happens again? But I know the signs. I can take action, if I dare, as soon as I have to. 

I think I have finally found a little bit of a place in this world. You know, I started this blog (girl meets world) when I got overwhelmed with everything. Taking responsibility like finances and college was overwhelming. I was unhappy with my major and was dealing with social anxiety. And how sad I was in September, about moving to the other side of the country to study here, I am becoming alright with it. I have found a little place that makes me happy. I have found friends that, hopefully, will last a lifetime. I joined a sorority and have lovely people around me. I have a major that I really like. I think I have a bright future ahead of me. I hope I do. But right now, I take each day as it comes. I try not to look at next week, because I can still get overwhelmed and anxious. I still have anxiety, and perhaps I carry it with me for the rest of my life. But at least I found a way of dealing with it. I had to accept it before I could move forward with my life and find peace. 

And I hope that who reads this can take a little hope out of the things that I write down. You know, life can be overwhelming sometimes. And it is alright to admit that you don't have everything under control but you are trying. Look at me, I had to come a long way to get to the place I am now. It made me stronger and more loving and appreciative. Take each day as it comes, and take good care of yourself. 

Love,

Jessica

Exams….

I have passed my midterm exam…yay! I was beyond excited when I found out my grade, I had never thought I'd passed. The morning of the exam I woke up feeling miserable. I forced myself to eat but I couldn't, the smell would make me want to vomit. The exam was at 9 so I got up around 6 to look over everything again. I was so not productive. Then at the university I walked to the exam hall and there it was…my food from last night looking for a way to get out. Seriously, 10 feet before the exam entrance I was throwing up..So embarrassing! I tried my best but afterwards I could not remember a lot of things that were supposedly in the exam. I was sure I failed, and the month before we got out grade took forever. But all of a sudden the paper said I passed. What? I am so thankful, and this was the exact motivation to reassure myself that I chose the right major and moving to the other side of the country was not such a bad idea after all. I received the results the day before my next exam, but this one didn't went that well. The formulation of the exam questions was so tricky, that it was difficult to choose the right answer. Around christmas I will find out this grade, but for me there is less pressure to pass this one as it was with the first exam. I just needed to be ensured that I had made the right decisions. 

Accepting who you are

Throughout the years I have punished myself for being me. I've only thought negatively about myself and and in my head it has become a fact that I suck. For six years I have hated myself, was not able to accept who I am. Now I'm finally recovered from depression, losing my anxiety and was able to recover from my post traumatic stress disorder. The thing is, if you talk to yourself negatively for 6 years, you don't know how to compliment yourself. You are just used to talking bad inside your head. And that's what I came to realize. Looking in the mirror, no matter how good I might look (or bad) the voice in my head says the same. And not because I mean it, but because I am used to saying bad things to myself. It formed such a habit, that I didn't even realize it. So I guess my new learning goal is to love myself. I already accept myself from whom I am, and now I have to let go of the negative opinions I once had. 

Missing home

Today I moved all my stuff to the other side of the country. I feel lonely, bored and confused. Two weeks ago I couldn't wait to move out and start this new journey. Last week the anxiety kicked in. And three days ago until now I was extremely sad. Being such an family oriented person, I knew I was going to miss them so much. But now I feel a little hole in my heart. Tears are going down my cheeks, and I'm not sure how I will fall asleep tonight. Perhaps watch movies until my eyes cannot stay open any longer. All I want to do is pack my bags and go back home. when I went abroad for a year it was so easy to leave, and now it isn't…why? I will try to look for other things to do tonight. Why can't I live at home forever. I guess once I get into my routine, start school and make new friends I will be alright. But for now my heart is aching and I'm missing home terribly. 

I guess I forgot to mention that I actually found a room! It's not too big, decent size, fits all of my crap. bad thing, I have to share the bathroom and kitchen. But having that on my own was just too expensive. It's close to the city centre, central in the city and close to the university I will be attending. 

INSTAGRAM

10 things you don't know about me

Dear future me

So sleepy

Introversion

The USA

Hows life? little update

A lot has happened the past months..heck the past year. As can be read in my previous posts, I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for about six months now. To say six months out loud feels strange. I feel like it's shorter, although it's like I've been unhappy forever.

I can tell that I'm trying my hardest to get out of my depression, but it is harder and takes longer then expected. My anxiety is still high, which is just exhausting. I have been really tired and feeling different compared to the past three months. I'm kind of happy that I have lost around 9 pounds since the new year. Around  6 more and I hit my first goal. But besides from that I have just not been feeling well. I just don't know what is wrong with me. I'm cranky, not really patient and find it so difficult to enjoy life. I have been going on this symptom checker website, and they keep saying depression, anxiety and thyroid problems. I've always been tired and not interested in things, and my blood was tested but nothing ever came out to be causing the problem. Me any my doctor also thought about thyroid issues, but I guess it isn't. And sometimes I feel like my depression gets better, but than I have a huge step back, where I am wondering why I am alive as I feel like I have no purpose. All kind of heavy stuff, but I don't know how to break free from it. My anxiety has been kind of the same I guess, not changing a lot. 

I've looked on the internet for rooms for when I move to the university this summer. Nothing too special came up, or something that would fit me (and financially). And in about a month I get to go on a little vacation to central america, so I'm trying to stay busy focusing on that. 

But I just have to remember; 'there are always flowers for those who want to see them'.

tumblr

Life is beautiful

We all have days that we are just not feeling it. Sometimes it is already when you wake up that you have the feeling today is not your day. Well, I am here to tell you that today is your day, and that you are blessed beyond your imagination. These are just little reminders on how to enjoy life everyday. 

Long time no talk

Just a short update and rambling post about the past weeks. I have been down with laryngitis, had a really high fever and never had so much muscle pain. (But not so bad for my weight.. JK) I just remember shaking and trembling so bad that I couldn't open the water tap. Now I am finally getting my voice back, but my ribs hurt pretty bad from all the coughing. It would't be the first time I injured a rib because of a cold.

Furthermore we got some pretty bad news. About a month ago we found out that my aunt has cancer of the liver. She got sick so they did some scans, which showed a spot on the liver. Last week we found out it was a very rare tumor that cannot be cured. I will be visiting her today, which I am quite nervous about. We have a small family, with only one uncle and aunt, so she will be greatly missed. Things like this makes me so mad and insecure about life. I have taken it for granted so many times, but it can be over before you know it. I also found out that 'my' cousin from the host family I stayed died. This is all so unreal and overwhelming. Life is too short, it's time to start living.

Edit:

It was quite shocking to see my aunt in the condition she is in. It is like she is already not there anymore, just a hopeless body that is being destroyed. Furthermore my grandma just got diagnosed with dementia, so that adds extra stress to our family. Life and our health is something that we should take care of, it can change any moment. 

Get to know me!

I read a lot of blogs and enjoy the more personal side of it. Finding things out that you did not expect or similartities. So I decided to do the 21 questions tag to get to know me a little bit more :). Feel free to take the TAG and do it yourself. 

Letter to my future husband #2

I am unsure when I wrote my first letter to you. Has it already been a year? I have prayed for you, and hoped that somehow we would meet. So far I haven't seen you, or atleast I don't think so. 
I cannot wait to meet you, and find out everything about your personality. To take long strolls during summer nights, have a picnick at the beach. What music concerts will we go to for my birthday? Are you employed, or struck by the crisis. Do we share  the same sense of humor?  Are you dating someone right now...waiting to find out whether she is the one?

 I have to confess that I am really unsure about my future...or maybe our future? Will we ever meet, or atleast soon? Deep down inside I have the need to meet you. I want to settle down...Yet maybe that is not God's plan for me? I have had dates and met people, but no one was my future spouse. I couldn't see myself with one of them...it just didn't feel right. Especially now, everyone around me is dating, getting married and having little babies. I hear people around me say ''I wasn't looking but he was just there''. And here I am, looking my eyes out, yet no results. What is God's plan for me...for us? I know that maybe He is preparing me along the way to become a better person and future wife. 

I want you to know that I will continue to search and pray for you. And secretly, I hope you are doing the same. I know some people find this crazy, but I think there is no better thing. Someday we will meet, and I will maybe show you my letters. Please don't think I am crazy. I think of you all the time, and maybe I should focus a little bit more on work and school. I only get frustrated with everyday passing and you are still not here with me. This almost sounds obsessive..I'm sorry, I will stop now :) I hope you will wait for me, work on your relationship with Christ, and that hopefully we can be brought together when God decides the time is right

In my prayers, thoughts and heart. Stay safe <3