It was not until a couple of years back that I met fathers of my friends and noticed some particular differences between their relationship and the one I had (or actually don't have) with my dad. I watched them having conversations that I could only dream of to be having with him. I saw the interest and love coming from a dad towards their child, something I have always missed coming from my father. Never in my life I'd hear my dad tell me he loves me, cares about me or that he is proud of me. Some small words with great meanings. And growing up with no relationship at all with my father, I did not know any better then that men in general were distant 'creatures' that didn't really feel like participating in anything.
But I was wrong. I had no clue that this was not normal. It is hard to imagine what this must feel like when you are not in the same situation. Never did my dad pay any interest in me or my life. He will ask one question every day, straight when he comes from work; How was your day? And it doesn't matter what you answer. Good, bad, busy, boring, lazy etc. Because he won't ask any further. If you say I had the most wonderful or horrible day, he doesn't care to ask any further. Why was it good or bad? Did something happen. None of that will come out of his mouth. Only a simple ok. With everything you say, he will answer with ok.
One day I will never forget; I had probably the most important exam of my life, it was a resit for a course, and it was a make it or break it kind of situation, I would be kicked-off my university, and a loss of my tuition fees. I had studied day and nights, trying to remember every little word from my studybooks. A couple of days after I had taken my resit I got an e-mail that I had passed the exam. Tears welled up and I wanted to tell someone. My parents were at home, and dad was sitting in the kitchen. I walked through the door and said; I passed my exam, I get to stay! He looked up and said; hm and went back to the folder he was reading. Thats what I got out of him, a simple hmm. Nothing more than a simple ´good job´, or ´I am happy for you´ is what I wanted from him. I wanted to make him proud of me, and yet nothing came out of his mouth.
You know, living with my dad is not easy, not for me, my sisters and especially my mother. He is more of a child to her than a husband and friend. I´m praying for strength, happiness and patience for my mom, and anyone else who is in a similar situation. The acceptance part is so difficult. He will never be as us, show any interest or love towards his children. I have no relationship with him, he is my biological father and always will be. But there is nothing more than that, it´s like he is there but at the same time he isn´t. He fills up empty space physically but not emotionally.
I do not blame him for being the way he is, or I try not to. But sometimes I get so pissed and loose my patience. Not on purpose, but because the situation stresses me. I want to interact with him, involve him in my life, but he does not want to. There is no effort at all, while all I want is a father-daughter relationship. Deep down inside I know this will always stay the same, and it saddens me. But I try to remember that not everyone has the privilege to have their biological father alive or around.
I think because of this I consider God my Father. I talk to him, ask questions and advice. I know people see their relationship with God different, but knowing that I do have a father that is involved in my life strengthens me and makes me happy. I don't pity myself for the situation I am in, but thank Him. I have learned to grow patience and understanding for other people.
As a reminder for myself, it is not my dads fault he is the way he is, and I will always love him because he is my father.
1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient. Love is kind
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